George, he’s left us now but his memory lives on. The man was controversial and at times extreme. From his ‘Carlinisms’ to his stand-up George made me laugh…a lot. Here’s a taste…
1. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
2. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
3. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
4. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
5. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
6. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
7. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
8. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
9.. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
10. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
11. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
12. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
13. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
14. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
15. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
16. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
17. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
18. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
19. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
20. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
21. “No comment” is a comment.
22. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
23. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
24. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
25. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
Rest in Peace George!
